Entry. A rambling of thoughts & emotions

Since 11/29/15 I knew that I needed to be strong, I knew I needed to push on through whatever I was feeling to be there for you. When it’s all said and done, i realized that things will never get better unless I allow them to. There’s a block in my heart and it’s keeping me stuck/attached to what we had…

2/12/16 :

Today was a day unlike any other. I’m slowly realizing that my subconscious is taking over my logic and emotion, and when it feels like I need to deal, it forces me to. I wasn’t paying too much attention, but I understand that today is the ONE MONTH…exactly 30 days that, you’ve been physically gone from me. The feeling is still surreal and I’ve done my damnedest to uphold the promises that I made, thus far. What made today one of the best and worst was that I found your cologne…the cologne I would spray you with before you walked out to work, the cologne I would say “WEAR SOMETHING ELSE! I’m tired of smelling that!”. I picked it up, held it to my nose, and without spraying inhaled and almost immediately felt warm. I know, I focus a lot on the small things, the things that almost seem insignificant to other people, but these little items, such as smell, or a memory mean the most to me because they place me back in the moment of love that we shared. Maybe I should stop counting the days, maybe I should do a better job at releasing or holding on to you…but I can’t. I just really can’t. I don’t want to either…

2/13/16:

So I find myself thinking about you, and then falling to sleep with tears in my eyes. The same tears that well up, remain and then dry. So my vision is cloudy, as I wake and then I think of you again and restart the cycle. Tomorrow is Valentines day babe…the same day you were so excited to plan for in early November. You were too thrilled at the idea that we would finally be together for this “holiday” that you wanted to share. To think I found out your plans. Hmph. I’m learning, slowly but I’m learning, to release all of the material and physical items that I keep attaching my feelings to. It’s almost impossible to be as “OK” as you’ve expected me to. You’re up there commanding the stars and I’m sitting here aching for you. Everyone keeps telling me it’s OK to cry or it’s alright to let it out, but I feel like holding on is just enough. I’m the one who can’t seem to get you off my mind…

I’m missing my shoulder, my rock, my Iron Man… this hurt burns so bad, an unsatisfied flame that incinerates everything. In times like this all I want to do is sleep. I often listen to our playlist. It’s still growing…yeah, I even added some of the ones you would play. I wish I could paint our LOVE…

This is another one of my jumbled thoughts & emotions put into words. Maybe it’s not supposed to make sense, or maybe it makes perfect sense. I don’t know but this is me thinking out loud…and expressing how I still LOVE YOU the same way today that I have throughout the last 6 yrs.

Happy Valentines Day…

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One thought on “Entry. A rambling of thoughts & emotions

  1. Please know that you’re feelings only need to make sense to you. Love is love and it’s different for every person. Just know that you have experienced true unconditional no strings attached love and some people live a lifetime and never feel that. You have been blessed. This test will soon be your testimony to get someone else through a similar situation.

    Love is love.

    Liked by 1 person

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