Friday. 5am. Silence. Rain. This takes me back to a time when #Hubbs and I would lay in bed and just breathe each others essence. No words, just the sound of hard rain hitting the window, the wind trying to push the door in, and the warmth of LOVE holding me while a snore crept up in my ear. If you listen close enough you can hear ONE heart beat coming from the both of us. 2 as 1.
It was in times like these when I knew I was protected, knew I was safe from the ills of the world, knew I didnt have to worry because my Superman was gonna save the day should anything befall me. The snores grew deeper, louder, and all I would do is listen. I often thought I was a weirdo for taking in those moments. Now as I lay here on this queen sized pillow top the silence scares me, the rain isn’t comforting and I cant seem to hear my heart beat. It’s gone.
Now. 5:06a. The rain has stopped, the wind subsides, and the sound of his giant footsteps play in my head. When this all began I would jump up and check to see if he was there, check to see if that booming loud voice called out for me, checked to see if I could once more smell his sweet aroma and for a split second I just may have. Is it my mind playing tricks? Or is it my heart reaching and aching for completion?
The rain begins again. Louder, faster and this time somewhat in sync to my elevated heart rate. Lonliness creeps around the room and I wonder… Where’s Superman? It’s in this time when I realize, he has never left me. Sharing love in simplistic moments such as this one was always something we cherished. I cant look at this as being alone, scared, frightened or worried. I transition that negative connotation to my lonliness to believe that his loud footsteps are now the hard rain hitting the glass, the wind as his booming voice calling for me, and the pace of the rain slowing down and picking up as our hearts beating together.
Taking it all in and knowing that he is around me comforts me, so I lightly call out “Hold me” and as if the heat turned on and started to beat down directly on my body… I become calm, I become settled and I feel LOVE. I feel a relaxation come over me like the other half of this bed isn’t empty, as if I can feel the euphoric state that would envelope me when i would smell him. Then I smile.
Silence again. 5:16a. Its dark in here…. The rain subsides once more. My mind races so fast that I cant grasp the concept of what I used to do so peacefully, sleep. I close my eyes, I pray to GOD and I talk to my baby. Recapping the day, ensuring him that I’ll be fine, and telling him “I Love You Still”. Wanting him to know that all those promises I made will be fulfilled. Then a single tear rolls down my cheek, not a tear of sadness nor one of joy but one of calm. The only feeling that Ive asked and prayed for to allow me to rest.
So I take it all in spread across the bed, hold onto his blanket, wrapped nicely around his pillow and then I drift… Drift into what once was, drift into what will be, and drift into a space that he and I will forever share in times like these.