There was a time when I never thought I’d find the fairy tale love, you know, that love that you see in movies and read about in books. The couple meets, they create their story, and then they live happily ever after. Never did I believe in this lifetime or the next that I would be able to feel that, but I did. TRUE LOVE is so pure that the very smell of the person drives you into a euphoric state where intimacy doesn’t become the end result, but the essence of that person wrapping around you and engulfing every fiber of your being. That is what I felt…and I had it…for 6 years.
I’ve taken a lil hiatus from the blogosphere for sometime because I was thrust into love and everything else in the world didn’t matter. Let me tell you how LOVE changed me. It took my mind out of whatever form and feeling it was in, and made me become ONE with a person who I never knew could love me to the extent that he did. LOVE made my heart beat as one with his, it made every breath he took an important part of my day, it made the little things that we all take for granted, mean the most to me. The smiles, the laughs we shared, I even garnered appreciation for the arguments we had because when someone GENUINELY loves you, you can feel it…even when they’re yelling all up in ya grill. lol.
I absolutely NEVER thought that once I found my soulmate, the other half of my heart, the one person in the world that knew me better than I know myself, that I would lose him so suddenly.
Life throws you so many curve balls and I realized that I was never ready for the one that came my way. In the blink of an eye…my love was gone. GOD made a decision and said, “I need him here with me”. This is what I can’t and probably will never wrap my head around, Why? Within this month, I’ve lost my LOVER, my FRIEND, my FUTURE, my Mind, and of course my heart has been ripped smoothly from my chest. Emptiness is a real feeling. It’s when you’re void of all emotion, feeling, thought, and LIFE. I’ve been feeling like there’s NOTHING left for me in this world. Why couldn’t he take us both at the same time? Why do I have to endure LIFE alone? It was those few days in which i sat in my emptiness that I began to wallow, sadness took me over, eating became an Olympic feat, sleeping became quite a nuisance, and to be social meant that I was moving on without him. They say that crying cleanses the soul, but how can you cleanse something that is sitting in an infinite amount of damaged and crumbled pieces? How do you move forward when you’ve left all that you knew behind to start something fresh and then it’s snatched from you with no warning? NO caution sign? No speed bump to say “Slow Down”? Depression is living in a body that fights to survive while your mind tries to die. I wholeheartedly believe that. Even now as I type this and I stare at this screen with teary eyes I feel the burn of the pain in my heart and the strength that I try to muster to type. That strength lets me know, my higher power is NOT done with me yet.
So I began to pray and ask for healing and comfort to surround me…and it began.
HE wouldn’t have done this to me if it wasn’t apart of my story. I feel that given this experience, I will grow into who I know I was supposed to be, into a man that holds dearly to the things in life that matter. What I really found necessary to do in this post was to let people know that LOVE is TANGIBLE. Even when you feel it’s connected to a being and they are no longer of this world you STILL have it. It can’t leave you…nor can it dissipate in the atmosphere because your BODY will hold all that it has taught you. If you can experience what I have, then you will know that there is no GREATER feeling that being IN LOVE and having it reciprocated. N.E.R.D. (No one Ever Really Dies) their essence is transferred into you so that they can live on….
So as I close this out and begin to breathe a little easier I can say this, even if the road you’re traveling is dark, desolate, and you can’t see anyway to move forward, you have to know that LOVE will never leave you, FAITH will help you hold your head, and your WILLPOWER to move on will be tested greatly, and it’s only in that moment that you will have to make a choice…. live on WITH LOVE or fall ever so deep into an emptiness that consumes all that you are meant to become. Im glad that Ive chosen the former…